Justice with a Barcode

Math and I have been friends, except for Trigonometry’s cold shoulder.

It has provided guidelines for my business undertakings, shown me guardrails, helped me take risks while knowing the mathematical outcomes, and, overall, served as a beacon for mortgages, financing large projects, and the like. Despite that sensible and pragmatic approach, I also subscribe to ‘girl math,’ which is not a formal science. Girl math is a different discipline; someone who has never subscribed to it will probably not see its logic, but I and others would fiercely defend it.

Girl math is understanding that when you return something, you’re making money. When you purchase something and wear or use it a certain number of times, you are either in a positive or a negative. For example, a $100 dress worn 100 times has a price per wear of $1.00, but a $20 dress from Goodwill worn once is more expensive because its price per wear is 20 times that of the $100 dress. So spending more on things you love is sensible because you’re not going to constantly subsidize that purchase with similar things that never come close to the $100 dress. You buy less, get what you want and remove the clutter of duplication.

Buying something with a gift card is considered free, or it doesn’t count, and paying with cash is kind of there as well, because it’s the card purchases that are real money. Once the cash is gone, you don’t need to wait for the invitation to see it again on a statement. It’s done.

If shipping is free over $100, then you spend $101 to avoid that additional expense and coffee over $5.00 is costly, but under $5.00 is emotionally free. Vacation purchases don’t count because you allocated vacation money for that, and vacation money isn’t real. An expensive coat worn daily for a few seasons becomes profitable, and gym clothes that inspire you to work out, raising the likelihood of exercise, are not a purchase but a wellness investment that saves on future healthcare costs.

Buying second-hand items is prudent because you’re saving money by purchasing them at a fraction of their retail price, and using loyalty points is like the store is paying you, even though you had to spend to get a $20 credit. It’s still a credit calling you, and besides, you needed what you spent the money on to get it, so deduct that.

Getting cash back is earning income. If you bought an outfit and the plans to wear it were cancelled, then the outfit was free because you saved money by staying in. Selling something online after owning it for years is an investment return. Paying with a prepaid card from a refund makes the purchase free. Now, this one is tricky: if an outfit gets compliments, its cost per compliment decreases. And anything you buy that is 50% off means you made the other 50%, obviously.

If you bought something and, once you got home, realized the same resonance wasn’t there, and you returned it, that’s called being financially responsible. Splitting dinner, even though you ordered less, is the faith that it all balances out eventually and that you are not caught up in a mental state of lack. Lack is the killer of manifestation, which gets distilled into consumerism. Spending $300 at the end of a stressful week is self-care, as a therapist would cost just as much, and book purchases can be viewed as intellectual investments rather than purchases.

If you happen to forget about an online order that arrives later, then that’s a gift from your past self. And paying for something with birthday money is free. If you use something more than 10 times, it typically rounds down emotionally anyway. Any subscription under $10/month is basically nothing if you only have a couple. If you return enough items at once, you can convince yourself that you had a profitable mall trip and even saved on gas.

You can view your expensive skincare purchases as preventive maintenance for future cosmetic surgeries. Ordering food after grocery shopping is rewarding yourself for the mindful cooking you will engage in later in the week.

Store credits feel liberating because they’re not connected to your bank account, and walking 30 minutes to avoid a $5 delivery fee justifies a $9.00 reward for an iced latte. For some, spending $200 during a breakup can be cheaper than therapy, and if a package arrived in cute packaging, part of the cost was entertainment. Then there’s investing in an expensive water bottle because hydration is healthy.

Now you can’t make girl math your primary math, or you’ll be broke. You can, however, practice it so you feel good if your financial foundation is firm and your head is saying, ‘No, you don’t.’ So many women my age have given up little pleasures over the years that would’ve brought them so much happiness. Girl math is a coping method, not a financial plan. It allows those little pleasures you’d otherwise give up.

My mother worked in a bank and invented girl math, at least I believe she did. Once my father passed, she treated herself left, right and centre. Her girl math was more expensive than mine. In her world, if you didn’t cross the border in years, then you could bring back exponentially the number of years you didn’t cross. So if you’re allowed $750 for a 7-day trip and she didn’t cross the border in 20 years, she not only believed but would debate the border-crossing officers that she was entitled to $15,000 in duty-free goods. If something had a lifetime warranty, and in her day a lot of things did, and if it died, she would haul it to the company and wait in the reception area until they replaced it. My mother grew up during the Depression, and not having anything drove much of her conspicuous consumption.

Maybe girl math is emotional accounting, or pretending any consequences belong to your future self, but the women I know who grew up in the late ’50’s and early ’60’s weren’t rich and worked hard for what they had, so the compensation they got was a way of making that unfairness feel lighter.

It was repairations with a receipt.